“yes.”

Part I

Would you get work here if you could though?

Yeah I would though. I dunno, Sydney’s kind of different. London seems so, kind of familiar.

How long have you been here now though?

Nearly a month. But I grew up here as well, so it feels very kind of homey, though its kind of changed since I was last here, so.

You’ve only got a week here left though, no? What are you going to do in that time?

Well on Tuesday I’m leaving, so before then I’m gonna go down to the V&A.

Yeah.

I did that once and they had a really good exhibition about decode and about the visualisation.

The best thing is that its free.

Yeah yeah.

But alot of the little exhibitions aren’t, are they? What do you do again, I forgot? What do you do for a living?

Software engineering.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I love it! I feel really lucky.

Part II

And your favourite computer game? What would that be?

Half-life.

What’s that?

Ah! Its a game where you run around shooting zombies and things…very alien inspired. Well you run around with a gun most of the time. Yeah, its cool. There’s a dance rock track which you can play along to it as well. When I was a child I could walk on the ceiling.

Oh, yeah. Do you like Sci Fi?

Yeah, big fan.

What’s your favourite Sci Fi film?

Favourite Sci Fi film….ohh, yeah, Donnie Darko is sort of Sci Fi but Starship troopers too. Spaceships flying everywhere, a bit of gore.

On another note, what is your epitomy of a woman?

Epitomy? They are, oh, everything. Hmmm. Oh god.

First thing that comes to mind.

Legs, bum…sense of humour, yeah…for sure. But someone you can talk to. I guess that’s everyone…

Any preference on hair colour?

Yeah, brunette.

Brunette? Nice. Nice. Do you mind the way women dress or do you feel like there’s a kind of dress code you prefer rather than maybe like…

I’m pretty open minded. I don’t really look at the clothes, actually. No, no, totally not picky. I think its just people having fun. I think girls can be very bitchy about other girls wearing things.

Do you find yourself self conscious about your own sense of dress?

Oh, for sure, yeah yeah. I feel like a total bum actually. Been on the road for a while and my clothing has become more practical than fashionable. Unfortunately, yeah. Everyone looks so smart here so I feel a bit.

I think you can get away with it. And we always do a last question so, final question. If the world was getting taken over by zombies, what would be the first thing you did?

Zombie plan! Ohhhh, ummm, sharp objects and beer rations?

What would your last words be?

Its been a good run.

Advertisements

“lash out. i’ll be honest. which is worse than anything i could make up.”


Part I

Any luck with a job yet?

Found a husband last night. This huge black guy who said he’d marry me. Zing

Excellent.

Yep. How are you?

Well not as good as you clearly. I have no big black men after me. But i’m finally in Sydney. And not homeless. Which is kind of rad.

Oh nice! How is it there?

Mmmmmm so good. Warm and happy.

Ah. Amazing. I’m excited to get there.

You’re coming soon right?

Yep. Two weeks.

Know any good place to get tattoos in Sydney?

Innervision on Crown st Surry Hills.

Someone else said that too. Do you have any from there?

Two. Are you getting another?

Yes.

Nice. What are you getting?

You’ll see.

(break)

Do you have time?

Of course. What’s up?

Welllll… I have this blog, and I tried to interview you without your knowledge the other day… but you ask too many questions.

HUH. hahahahaah.

So can i interview you?

God you’re a nutcase. Ok.

Rad

Part II

Describe what you do without saying what it is.

I try and keep bits of people that interest me.

How do you feel about what you do?

You probably just saved me thousands of dollars in therapy with that question. I’m in love with it.

Glad I could be of assistance. Do you prefer children or animals? In general.

Ew. Animals. Less evil.

And to work with?

Animals. Again they’re less evil. And they dont ask questions.

And to eat?
(and i’m going to disregard your hate of questions while i’m questioning you)

Pardon me? Would I rather eat an animal or a child? What kind of blog is this?

Excuse me… I believe I am doing the interviewing here.

Oh goodo. Well in that case, I’d rather eat an animal. Less legal consequences.

Good answer. Also the whole less evil thing…
What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I went surfing on ecstacy, and thought the water was deep so I decided to dive off my board. I was ankle deep. I snapped my finger not my neck. So. All’s well that ends well hey.

Jesus god. Did you cry?

No. I was high. I laughed.

Beautiful. Do you have a high pain threshhold in regular life?

I like pain. But I dont like blood. So yes and no.

Do you think the world will end in 2012?

No. But who cares if it does. We’ll be dead.

Is there anything you haven’t done that you want to before you die?

Plenty. Get disgustingly rich and waste it all on strippers and cocaine with my best friend. And live on an island. Alone. And get my photo with Terry Richardson. I’m painting a really nice picture of myself arent I? Will I be famous after this? Do I get a reality TV show?

Fuck I hope so.

Hahahaha. It can be called Carnival of Idiots.

Do you have any advice for kids hoping to live in New York/do what you do?

Yes. Have some money. And a plan. eg. where to live. The opposite of what I did. 1 month in hostels and a trip to the Bronx which ended in a two day nose bleed. I wouldn’t reccommend.

Life experience probably makes you a much better photographer.

Well… yes. Risking your life, no.

What are you most afraid of?

Sharks. And being bored. Having a lot of domestic appliances. Like irons. Special coat hangers. Those potpury things in your draw.

Ew. One last question. What job would you most like to have on a porn movie set?

Ooh thats hard. Couldn’t be a director because I dont know enough about directing. Or sex really. I’m still a virgin. No joking. Ok maybe I’d be the guy. Greased up. Looking like Fabio in the 80s.

With a strap on?

No a real guy. This question falls under the category of fantasty doesnt it ? Or is this a job interview?

Yeah I was actually looking to hire you for my next porno.

Epic. Well ill be the water boy. Thats my answer. I’ll be 16. And blow my shorts.
You should make me stop talking now.

“will you make me look pretty?” “it would be impossible not to.”

Part I

Ew. I’m spamming.

Why?

Because I opened a spam message and now the spam owns me.

Oh no.

pwnd

On a mac or a pc?

Just on my facebook.

Oh I get it.

So like, no disease or anything.

I’m an idiot.

Are you sick right now? In real life… not a computer disease.

No. Just avoiding people by pretending.

What are you pretending to have?

I dunno. Some weird stomach virus thing that’s made me sick for the past few days. You know how it is.

Oh I know. Those imaginary stomach viruses can be tough. I hope you make it through. Excited for Mardi Gras though?

Thanks babe. Mardi Gras I’m so exited for.

Do you think it’s harder to be bi than gay?

No?

Really?

Why harder?

Harder to be accepted… Harder to come out?

Oh. Yeah probably. Because then you have the prejudice of people just deciding you’re being greedy or attention seeking.

Part II

How do you feel about responsibility?

In what context?

In life in general.

Oh. I don’t like it.

Why?

Haha, it’s hard to deal with. Some aspects of my life its nice, like, i don’t want to be a complete pushover. But i don’t want complete responsibility – it scares me.

Do you consider yourself to be old?

Nope, whole life ahead of me.

Excellent outlook to have. Is there anything you feel like you have to achieve before you die?If you could just name one thing.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum. Complete happiness. Whether for an extended period of time, or even just for a couple of hours. no worries, no stress, just smiles.

Do you feel connected to nature?

Animals, yes. And barefoot, yes. I try not to litter. But generally I feel connected to technology more. As depressing as that is.

Do you think technology is the way of the future?

Yes. It’ll destroy it.

Destroy what?

The future.

Do you believe in God?

I believe in a greater being, but not that humans will develop a relationship with it. ie. not any god that currently exists here.

So do you think anything can save us? From technology? From ourselves?

Only ourselves. And whether we realise whats going on. I guess

Will it happen? Or are we doomed?

I dunno. It’s looking like people are starting to realise that technology could destroy us, but no one seems to care. it could go either way i guess

What’s your biggest fear?

I have two, is that okay?

Absolutely fine.

Throwing up/other people throwing up/vomit in general; and not being able to take care of myself as I get older.

Do you want to get old at all? Or would you rather die young?

I want to get old. There’s a reason your life is the length it is. I want to experience absolutely everything I can.

One last question.

hoot.
shoot* haha my s key’s broken.

If you had a thousand dollars in a sex toy store how would you spend it?

Outfits. And maybe one of those love swings. But mostly the outfits. And a bit of porn probs. But definitely the outfits. They have so many and they’re sweeeet.

Any favourite outfits?

I saw one once that was like, gothic slutty minnie mouse. And another one that was a super cute pink sailor one with pvc boots. Pretty badass.

“you’ve asked before. you said ben’s a cat.” “oh yeah. memory’s gone to shit.”

Part I

Hey.

Hey. Actually reading your weird press blog thing. Quite entertaining.

Nice. Damn though. I was just about to interview you. Can I anyway?

Sure.

Part II

How do you feel about what you do?

Occupation?

Yes. Or otherwise. Whatever comes to mind.

My current occupation is shit but it gives me pocketmoney so I can’t complain.

What’s your lifestyle like these days?

Lazy. A typical day would involve waking at around 3 pm. Go to work for a few hours. Most of my the time where I’m actually fully awake is in the evening so I drink and watch films or read books. Maybe do a little bit of exercise- keep the blood pumping. Get to bed around 3 am. That’s pretty typical. It could be worse. The Gulag for instance.

What is the worst thing you have seen on a film?

Well I can think of many but I was recently watching ‘Idi I smotri’ or ‘Come and See’ and the final scene where the villagers are herded into the building and then burned is pretty fucking crazy. At least emotionally, the first time I watched it I was really fucking high. But actually the real example of sick shit has got be those two Brazilian girls eating shit out of a cup.

For those who don’t know, such as I, what is the Gulag?

The Russian equivalent to a concentration camp. Survival rate was very low.

Do you find your lifestyle enviable?

Possibly, I do have people complain to me that they wish they could sleep as much. But I personally don’t think so. Final words: I dont care.

Nice.

If people envy my lifestyle that is.

Do you think you are special? That was an open question.

Yes. I’m special, you’re special, we’re are all special.

Why do you say that?

Why shouldn’t we be?

Isn’t there a theory that we’re all unique, just like everybody else…..Do you think anybody really cares if anyone else is special?

I don’t think anyone gives a shit. I’d piss on Chris Martin of Coldplay for that reason. What is his kid called again? Fucking Apple? But I think Frank Zappa was special and Dweezil and Moon Unit are Demi-gods.

According to Creationism, man was made in the image of God. If God were an animal what would He be?

Are you asking for my definition of God?

<As an animal.

God wouldn’t be one.

What would He be then? In your opinion.

A metaphysical force.

Fine.

Fine what?

Fine by me.

You want an animal?

Yes.

He’d be a seaslug.

Any reasons in particular?

A big mass of shit that really has no purpose. Well I’m no expert (treehuggers may be up in arms calling me a bigoted speciesist).

One last question. What do you think about men’s hair dye?

Gay.
You knew I would say that.

Fine, I’ll ask another one. If the fate of the world depended on it, would you give your life?

If I had a soundtrack.

“and she just said ‘wanna pash?'” “i doubt that i actually used the word pash…”


Part I

How did you learn?

I just started chopping one day.

Were you good from the start? Or did it kind of grow on you?

I don’t know… One time when I was a teenager I was really sick, and I hadn’t been out of the house in a week. so I was really grumpy. But I had long hair and I just cut it off. It seemed to look ok, so it just started from there.

You work in retail right? How’s that?

Fabulous.

Was it busy today? I walked past Selfridges and…

No.

I’m going to go get a drink.

(pause)

Are people shit?

Um… well… yeah… but it’s fine.

What would you recommend?

I’d work in concession. If you’re going to work in a department store.

Would you be a cashier?

What? A cashier? (laughs) No. Unless you work at Big W.

So what are people like?

Well, actually they’re worse in Australia. I used to work at Scanlan. It’s expensive, and the customers just think they can treat you like shit. People here are also a little bit easier with their money as well. Like, in Sydney I did get called a cunt by one lady. A complete stranger. She was a VIP of Scanlan. It was because she couldn’t get a refund on a deposit.

How does it make you feel when people talk to you like that?

It just gave me a real sense of when to shut the fuck up. Because I was just like, “Well, I’m really sorry.” And she goes, “You’re not sorry, you stupid blonde bitch.” And I cried, she was so rude to me that I was crying. And then she says to the other girl “I’m glad that cunt’s crying.”

That’s really nasty. Do you ever want payback? Do you spit on their leggings? Or do you ever go to another expensive store and be like, “Hey, why not think about serving me?”

No! I’m so nice to people in stores because I know what it’s like!

Dammit!

Truly. I don’t think I could ever speak to a shopgirl the way people speak to me sometimes. Over here, in particular, people from really wealthy places are really rude. But most of the time they’re followed by ten body guards and have a servant come up and pay for things. They’ll just say to you, pointing, “This one. This size.” So impatient. But you get over it. It’s a job. It doesn’t really matter.

Is there anything you’d rather be doing here?

Yes.

Yeah I guess it’s not like, “No, Selfridges is my dream!”

No. I studied journalism. But I can’t get any jobs. I’ve got a contact though. I’m working on it. I’ll hook something up.

Part II

What magazine would you want to be working for, ideally?

i-D.

What would you write for them?

Not exclusively fashion. Definitely. Mostly music and arts, I guess. Wow now I feel really put on the spot!

That’s the idea. Do you have any other hobbies?

Sewing.

Sewing what?

Clothing…

Do you want to be a designer?

No. I would’ve liked to have been a designer. But I didn’t think there was a future in it.

Are you self taught?

No, my mum made me go to sewing classes when I was a kid. I was really embarrassed. Like, “I don’t want to know how to sew, it’s so dorky!” But now I’m so glad I can sew.

(boyfriend: she always fixes my clothes.)

Especially because [boyfriend] acts like he can’t even sew on a button. As if you can’t do it.

(boyfriend: yeah when I get drunk and fall down the stairs I get some rips in my clothing…)

I’m pretty much his mum. Actually.

Do you like living in London?

Nup. Well… I do.

Where would you rather live?

I don’t know. No where. New York. But having said that, I’ve never actually been there.

Do you prefer London to Australia?

It’s better than Sydney. I think if I go home I’ll move to Melbourne.

One last question…

Make it rude.

What’s the most hilarious sexual experience you’ve had?

I don’t think I can tell that story.

We don’t put your name to it.

No I don’t think I can physically say it… I might have to get a bit more drunk…

Just an embarrassing story then.

Ok… I’d been away with my boyfriend, and I’d been away with him for a while, so I’d gotten really used to having him next to me. When I’m asleep I’m a big sleeper. I sleep over the top. I like to spoon. And I put my leg over. And sometimes, when I’m asleep, for comfort, I’ll play with his doodle in the night without even knowing that I’m doing it. It’s just something you do you know… So one night when I got back to Sydney I decided to sleep in bed with my mum. I hadn’t seen her in a while and yadda yadda. But I was still in the mind frame that I was sleeping next to my boyfriend – this is way too creepy – and I put my arm over, and I put my leg over, and I was like… where’s the doodle? So I woke up and I was actually feeling up my mum. But she was still asleep. And since then I’ve never been able to sleep in bed with my mum.

That’s beautiful.

“all he’s been doing is talking about masturbating on homeless people.” “as you do.”


Part I

You’re working at a cafe, and you’re the master barista, right?

Yeah

But you’re also a graphic designer. Are you doing that on the side?

Yeah, I’ve started getting design work now.

Are you working for a studio?

No, I’ve been doing packaging design. And I’ve been paid to come in and work on this coffee packaging job.

Is it associated with your work?

No. No no no no. Where I work is like this design hub and there’s always these design people coming in. And this is a big packaging design job that they’re doing for a German company. And I’ve been working with them.

Is it a massive team?

Yeah, it’s a big design agency that’s doing it, and they just asked me to come in and work with the team, kind of thing… But I’ve been trying to get into studio stuff. It’s just so fucking hard. But I’ve been barista-ing for like, five years so I love doing it… I don’t mind doing it… I’m just getting a bit sick of it.

Fair enough. Do you hate people who ask for soy milk?

No but we don’t have Bonsoy anymore because of the iodine thing… So I just have to say, “Look, we don’t have Bonsoy. You can have this other one but it’s shit.”

And then do they swear at you and storm out? Because I would.

No… But see, English people… The difference in classes here is quite massive. They’re really conscious of that. English people won’t work in hospitality. They actually refuse to do it.

I’ve noticed that. A lot of the people in hospitality are international, they’re not from here.

So yeah, yeah they can be quite rude. But because we’re so amazing at what we do… (laughs) it’s true, we are the best at everything. So when people come in, if they’re a smart arse, I can just be like, “Right then, off you go.” Then it’s really cool being behind the machine because I get to be the smart arse all the time.

And you don’t actually have to talk to people. Just mutter under your breath.

Yeah, like the other day, this one girl said to me, “Oh, you’re such a grumpy barista.” And I was like “Well fuck you”

(laughs) Yeah, I’ll prove you wrong! Fuck you!

And it fucks my hands up! Look at my hands! I wanted to be a hand model, you know, and now i can’t…

Part II

Where’s your favourite place to travel?

Oh, easily Japan.

Why?

I just think that the culture – the difference in culture – to me, was the most interesting part of Japan. And the people. I thought everyone was really cool and quirky. And also there’s obviously a lot of repression in there that they’re just out-letting in so many different ways, ways that aren’t explored in other places. And it’s just interesting to look at as you move from city to city, how the people are repressed and how they’re breaking out.

Do you think there’s a difference between the places that you love to travel and the places you would want to live?

Well, yeah, of course. The most fun places to travel to are so good because, well I guess it depends on what you want to be doing there, but mostly the best places I’ve travelled have been party centrals. And in the other sense, living somewhere like that isn’t really ideal. But it’s obviously amazing for a small section of time.

And you said earlier that you’re going to choose between New York and Berlin, to spend a few months in. What are you planning to do in that time?

If I go to Berlin I’ll be staying with a few friends that are in a band, so there’ll probably be a lot of… well, actually not a lot going on. Just a lot of… consumption of substances. But if I go to New York I’ll get a cash in hand cafe job. More like what I’m doing here.

One last question…

Can I just say, for the record, that you guys are very sneaky?

Yes you can. Would you rather drink semen or blood?

Ooh… That’s a tough question… No, wait… Blood, obviously. Well would it be my own blood or semen?

It would be a random person. But they’re HIV screened so you’re safe on that front.

Yeah still blood. I like blood.

Blood or tears?

Mmmmm… Tears… Salty…

“stop biting your nails.” “i wash my hands regularly.”

Part I

What are you doing?

You wanna hear? I’m making music. (plays music) Not very good speakers but I’ll show you. Its like a drum beat. Its a bit that goes under the rhythm.

Yeah.

Its just a drum beat that keeps the songs together. Still in progress obviously.

Its really good. Can you make money off of it?

Off music? Yeah sure. But I haven’t really gotten to that point yet. Maybe in the future.

Can you do both? Graphic design and music, do you prefer one?

I like music but it has to be a hobby. Its not like a career job unless you’re 100 percent dedicated. I like design. I like the fact that its a different thinking to music. Music has always been a hobby so I’ve just kept it.

How did you get into music anyway?

I played trumpet from when I was like ten.

At school?

Yeah Mum and Dad forced me to play an instrument. Took me like ten years. It took me ten years of playing to realise I actually enjoyed it. I hated it for that long.

Part II

How do you feel about what you do?

About what, what I’m doing at the moment?

It can be anything. About your job. About smoking that cigarette…

I’m happy but I feel lazy. I’m not actually working.

You are being very productive during the days though.

Yeah but I need to make money. I’m just spending my savings. I think I need to find a balance between work and hobbies and social life.

But you like both of the career avenues, music and graphic design, so you might be able to fuse both parts of your work…

If it takes off. If people like what I make that could lead to a label, make money, let me do design…etc.

One more question. Would you ever consider strip tease?

Yes. For the right person.

Would you do the stripping or be the stripee?

I’d do both, hopefully.
Hopefully its a situation where it allows both people a chance to strip.

Would you ever have a zombie strip?

If it was chained up.

No it wouldn’t be chained up. It would turn into a bloody massacre.