Kill me! Kill me! Kill me now!
Hi, how are you?
I’m good thanks, how are you?
Are you excited for your show?
Yes. Ooh thanks! Caprioska in the works! Um, yes. I’m very excited. Except my shoes got lost in Paris today. Hopefully we’ll find them tomorrow. They’re having a baguette and they’re looking at the Eiffel Tower. We’re excited. We’re excited.
Can you talk me through what goes on when you’re designing sunglasses?
I’m just a bit drunk for this. We can’t do this right now.
That’s ok, we’ll just interview your for heyweird.
Well it was supposed to be for In Front. But everyone’s been a bit drunk tonight, so I’ll just do you for heyweird.
How do you feel about what you do?
I feel quite good about what I do.
[friend]Upfronted, Defronted and fronted all over.
Right… Whatever he said.
Can you describe what you do without telling us what it is?
I draw things that look good on people’s faces.
[friend] Things that are supposed to sit on your face.
Who wants to sit on my face? I want to draw something that sits on your face. That’s better.
Do you think it takes a certain kind of person to wear sunglasses? Is it a particular face shape?
No. Not if you live in Sydney. Everybody wants to wear sunglasses. Everybody wants somebody to sit on their face.
What are these cigarettes? They’re very vanilla-y.
It’s licorice paper. Direct from London.
It’s delicious! Enough now I’m embarrassed.
A little bit more?
Alright, a little bit more.
What music do you like?
Everything! Um… Disco. I love disco.
Does disco inspire your sunglasses?
[friend] You like Kisschasy. You like Radiohead. You like Boy and Bear. And you like disco disco.
So could someone wear your sunglasses inside at night?
They certainly could. But not that whole: “I wear my sunglasses at night.” Not like that. Not like eighties. They’d be modern and cool. And opticals! We have opticals now. If you can’t see, get some opticals on your face.
Amazing. What’s your favourite sexual position?
[friend] Missionary. She likes missionary positionary.
Do not say missionary.
[sings]Don’t mess with the missionary man!
No. I like to mix it up. There’s no favouritism.
And you like to sit on people’s faces.
[friend] Couch face.
Not couch potato, couch face.
Can you point out someone here tonight whose face you’d like to sit on?
Oooh him. Who wouldn’t want to sit on that face? Perfect nose bridge! Perfect!
[friend] Not dissimilar to mine…
No it’s not. So i better include [friend] as well. How could you fault him.
And you! You look pretty good.
Holy moly. Why are we still here?
Because we’ve still got alcohol. What’s your favourite drink?
Red wine. And a little Campari every now and then.
Did you get any of the free red wine upstairs?
No. Rosemount sucks.
I don’t know that you’re allowed to say that here this week.
I’m not allowed to say that, I know. But come on… let’s be honest. When I had the Rosemount sparkling, actually, it was quite delicious. I had five glasses.
Where’s your favourite place in the world?
Croatia. Spain. Anywhere in the Mediterranean where you can go for weeks and weeks, party and sleep and just lay on the beach.
Oh and New York!
What was the shittiest job you ever had?
[first answer stricken from the record at request of interviewee so as not to piss off any current or previous employers.]
Actually working in real estate.
Ooh I’m being requested inside.
Just tell me quickly, why was it the worst job you ever had?
‘Cause everyone was a sleazeball.