“i really like double-barrelled last names.” “we’ve already had this discussion.” “and single syllable last names.”

Part I

All these bands that were touring, LCD Sound System, can’t go. All their tours have been cancelled.

They can’t go to Europe?

Mmm.

How’s she doing?

Yeah, she’s good. She lost her laptop so I think she was freaking out, but… laughing at the end.

That’s good.

It’s really nice. I feel like the longer we’re together the better it’s getting.

Have you ever felt like that with anyone else?

Um… It’s just been different.

And you’re going to get married…

And we’re going to get married. We so are. I was just saying… Our combined name is [hilarious hybrid name]. Because if we get married, whose name are we going to take? Because you can’t hyphenate them. That’s ridiculous. And I don’t like hyphenated names. So it’s like, “Whose would we take?” So we just invented a new one.

My hybrid name would be Ruttardyments.

Hahahaha nice.

Oh. [girlfriend] and I were just discussing this and she thinks that a vegan diet keeps your skin looking really young. ‘Cause all my vegan friends, most of them are over thirty and they all look about eighteen. So I think you’re on to a good thing. But also I think it’s just because all my vegan friends actually care about what they eat. And don’t eat shit.

And you were saying you don’t want to eat processed foods…

[rolling cigarette] Yeah. I’m trying not to eat processed foods. But I’ll still smoke cigarettes. So yeah. Just not food with shit in it.

[rolling cigarette] Yeah I might have one too…
[rolling cigarette] Gosh you are… both of you! Both of you together are a bad influence on me.

Hey, we all help each other.

We help each other kill ourselves.

How is this one compared to this one? [comparing tobacco brands]

Do you want to try it? Can I try yours?
This one’s cheaper. I went into the store today because I was planning on stocking you up and I was like, “Which one’s the cheapest.”
It’s really roughly cut.
I really like it though. It’s like that Top brand. In New York.

Drum is really hard. And it has lots of sticks in it.

Can you actually smoke those sticks? I don’t get it.

You can. They’re just not so easy to roll.

Yeah they’d tear the paper.

I started rolling on Drum. ‘Cause a lot of my friends smoked it.

I started on Drum too. ‘Cause this one gave me a packet.
Are you going to be here in July?

Um… It depends on my Visa.

Well if you are here, are you going to go to Splendour?

Aren’t the tickets like, four hundred bucks? And it’s in Queensland? So no. I’ll probably see the sideshows. Are you going to go?

We’re hoping to.

I’ve never been to a music festival before.

They’re like, my favourite thing in the world.

Never ever.

Not even Big Day Out?

Never.

I like the camping ones better.

I know. I want to go to a camping one.

Yeah. That’s the whole idea. Just some tickets are one day and some are two… God. I was talking to [friend] in the agency, and she was saying she was going on some job down the coast. And they had to camp. I was like, “Are you serious? Camping for a job?”

Was she getting paid enough? She must be. She’s only here for a week.

It’s for that job?

Well she said she was only here for a week for one job. She might stay longer.

Yeah. Can you imagine that? I actually quite like camping. And it’s fun.

But it would be really hard because you don’t look amazing when you camp. You don’t sleep well.

Exactly.

And where are you showering? Maybe they’re bringing campers down. Not tents.

She said there was mention of a tent.

They wouldn’t have her in a tent. I don’t think.

It sounds weird to me.

[pause]

You know how I find babies really cute… When I’m upset, [boyfriend] thinks he can just point out babies to me on the street and cheer me up. And I’m just like “Fuck off. That’s not going to work. And anyway, that baby is ugly.”

I’m feeling like that’s a really important thing to have with each other. Learning how to get each other out of dark times.

Can I just ask you. And I don’t mean to be offensive or anything…

“Why are you so awesome?” Yeah… Well it’s because… I was, you know, born this way.

Are you offended by that?

No, but I was just thinking… You’ve both gone out with the same girl. How does that work? Does it bother you at all?

Um… I kind of… hate you.

Yeah. I definitely feel uncomfortable about it.

No, but with her?

Does it bother her, do you mean? I think maybe if we were friends first…

She started talking to me again when she found out that I was friends with you. And then she stopped. And then she started again when I was hanging out with [friend]. Hmm. Weird.

I don’t feel weird about it. If we were friends first and then we started dating the same girl I would feel weird about it.

I won’t date [current girlfriend].

You better not.

I thought you’re hetero now anyway?

Get fucked.

Hahaha. We’re going to start a vegan café in Melbourne. We want to do like, an Iku type thing. In Melbourne. You can start a franchise, but you need to have a main kitchen to get deliveries from. But I don’t know. Iku is kind of hit and miss for me. At the end of the day it gets bad. I would rather not have ready made stuff. Well, it’s good that it’s quick, but I don’t like that it’s been sitting there all day. It goes a bit gross.

Will you have those couches? Those really low ones, like in Amsterdam?

It was like a harem.

Were you guys all sluts? And there was one…

Pimp.

Yeah that would be kind of nice.

Part II

How do you feel about what you do?

About modelling?

It can be about anyrhing.

I’m  wearing some awesome pants which makes me feel awesome so I’m pretty happy about that. I’m happy about doing my girlfriend because she’s a megababe. Um… I’m happy. Yeah. I’m happy about life. I feel like I have goals.

If you could be a superhero…

I knew it. What power would I have?

No. What would your name be?

Negator. No.

You’d have to be Positor.

I would, wouldn’t I.

What would your power be?

Spreading love and joy. How amazing would that be? No, I always envied those superheroes that were just the slutty girls that could make everyone fall in love with them.

How does that help people?

Hey, I’m spreading love in my own way.

Are you allergic to anything?

No.

If there was one thing you could be allergic to… You know how some people use it as an excuse?

Oh, like “I’m allergic to wheat, I can’t eat any bread because it makes me bloated.”

Yeah, like that.

I seriously hate that. So many people say that they’re allergic to gluten because it makes them “bloated”. It’s like, yeah, it fills your tummy because it’s a carbohydrate… Whatever. What would I be allergic to…

Awkward situations?

Hahaha. I don’t think there’s anything.

Do you have a favourite book? A book that changed your life?

A book that I read recently: The Second Sex. My friend gave it to me.

Oh, my mum was telling me about that. No! You were telling me about that.

Hahaha, yeah. It’s a really important female studies book. That was written in the forties. And it kind of just made me really depressed about being a woman. It make me feel really bad. I was expecting to feel really empowered and awesome, but it just made me a bit depressed. It was pointing out the differences in men and women, how women are so devoted to the species in that we can’t really escape the fact that we need to reproduce. We get our period every month, which is horrible for every woman. We have to take time off from our lives to have kids. At leas a few months for the whole pregnancy/birth issue… whereas men don’t have to do that, so they can concentrate on individual growth, while we’re forced to focus on species growth. So yeah, it just made me feel really depressed about being a woman. Which was awful. It’s a book that changed my life.

Do you feel like you should be doing more for feminism after that? Or did it make you feel like giving up?

It made me feel more like giving up. Which I hated, because I don’t want to give up on that. Because women are awesome.

How do you feel about feminism?

How do I feel about feminism…

Would you call yourself a feminist?

Yes. I don’t know how I feel about it. I think it’s awesome. I think it’s important.

You don’t think that women are equal yet?

No. And I don’t think we ever will be. Just because we are so different. We’re incomparable to men. I feel like it’s unfair to compare us.

It’s like a different species. You’re doing inter-species dating.

Like Ligers. And Tigons.

We aren’t equal, and never will be. Not to say that we’re higher and lower. We’re just not the same.

Do you think that’s good or bad?

I think that’s life.

What’s your favourite song?

I don’t have one. But a song that I always get stuck in my head it Meatloaf ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Lights’. I did it in grade six for a school play. And ever since that moment in time, it’s been a constant in my life. It’s something that just keeps popping up.

Is there a particular lyric?

No. It’s the whole song. I can recite it word for word.

Do you feel like it has any symbolic meaning in your life?

Hahaha. No it doesn’t. It’s about a guy getting laid. Gross! And he’s being mega sleazy, saying all the right things to get this chick in bed. And the girl’s like, “Just tell me that you love me and you’re going to be around forever.” And he’s like, “Yeah, yeah sure.” And then at the end he’s complaining because now he’s stuck with this chick and he just wanted a root.

If you could pick one artist to do your portrait who would it be?

Helmut Newton. I love how his pictures are just… I love the way he portrays women as so empowered and awesome. And I love that he uses a lot of nudity. I think that people are so constricted by their clothes. Like, how many people feel more comfortable wearing clothes than they do being naked. Even if they’re just walking around their houses by themselves.

Do you feel more comfortable being naked?

Yes. I definitely feel more comfortable naked.

Well I think we’ve all seen each other naked.

So you said before…

That I’m awesome?

Oh yeah, that one. No. That you’re thinking of opening a vegan café. But you’re not vegan. How would that work?

I just think that there’s a niche in the market in Melbourne. Well, there are vegan places…

Lord of the Fries. Amazing.

I still think there’s an opening there.

I think it’s more vegan junk food in Melbourne… burgers, pizza, Mexican…

Haha, there’s this place, Trippy Taco, that’s a vegan Mexican place, and the guy had this really weird trip and something told him to open this Mexican restaurant and so he did.

Trip as in acid trip?

Yeah. Trip as in hallucinogenic trip.

Do you like hallucinogenic chemicals?

Yes. I would say yes.

What’s your favourite drug?

Um… I don’t know. It definitely depends on your mood. Hallucinogenics aren’t for all the time. They can send you some pretty weird places. And it’s also depending on the time of my life. It’s changed throughout my life. At the moment I’m not taking many drugs. So I think life is the best drug. Love is the drug.

Good answer.

Have you unpacked your suitcase yet? Since you just got back.

No. This morning when I was getting dressed… Actually I’ve been really good at packing and unpacking recently. In my last few trips I’ve been really organized. Growing up finally. But today I woke up and just couldn’t be bothered. So now it’s turned in to the old suitcase explosion. You know the one.

Oh yes. I know the one.

Are you hygienic.

That’s debatable. No. Well, um I guess it depends whose standards you’re going by, but no. I wouldn’t say I’m especially hygienic at all.

Do you think you smell sometimes?

Well. Not now. But I did go through this phase of growing out my armpit hair and wearing aluminium free deodorant at the same time. And I’m just letting you know: this combination doesn’t go so well. I think you could probably do one or the other and not be so bad. But both gets a bit smelly.

Yeah I bought some aluminium free deodorant in New York and it was terrible.

Some of it works. And also I think your body gets addicted to the aluminium. ‘Cause in Japan, deodorant is a really new thing. It only came in like, four years ago. And I remember looking for it in the store and it was really hard to find. And my ex-girlfriend is Japanese, and she never wore deodorant.

What?

I don’t know about your experiences… She who cannot be named,

Well where I grew up… no it wasn’t. But I didn’t go to supermarkets until a later age.

But yeah. I don’t think BO smell is bad.

I think it’s about the pheromones. So yeah, if it’s someone that you really love then you don’t mind the smell because you’re used to having their bodily fluids in certain orifices anyway.

I guess this is true.

Do you paint or draw?

Yes, but I haven’t recently. Yeah, every now and again I go through this phase of trying to cancel art and creativity out of my life. And I’m like, “No, I have to focus on education and things that are important to society and important to the development of the human race…”

That’s very big of you.

Thanks. Yeah, and then I kind of end up sending myself crazy and realise that I actually need a creative outlet in my life.

But if there was no creativity, there wouldn’t be that much point to the continuation of the human race. It’s what makes life enjoyable.

Yeah. That’s the conclusion that I’ve come to. It’s like, science is what we need and art is what we do to enjoy our time while we’re doing the science. But even then, there’s creativity within science. Like all of these guys that made discoveries, yeah they were very knowledgeable of course, but you have to have some sort of creativity to come up with a new theory.

Tell us about conspiracy theories.

No. I don’t want to. That conversation is too long.

What do you want to do when you’re an old woman?

I want to still be in love. I want to have grandkids. I want to be really glamorous. I want to have a purple perm. I want to wear pearls. And be amazing.

Do you have a favourite flower – being a girl?

Well I don’t think being a girl has anything to do with it.

Ok, well as a woman.

Hahahahaha, Well now that you’ve rephrased it, yeah! I’m quite partial to roses. I enjoy their classicness.

Do you like getting flowers?

Yes. And I love giving flowers. It’s a small gesture but it’s really nice. I think it’s like cooking a meal for someone. It doesn’t cost a lot but it’s sweet.

Do you like baking cakes?

Yes.

What’s the best design you’ve ever done.

I’ve made some pretty amazing cakes for [girlfriend]. The best chocolate cake I’ve ever made was for her birthday last year. And it was a vegan cake. I’d never tried that before. I found this recipe on the internet. And it was just the best chocolate cake I’ve ever had. I was so shocked that it was vegan.

[old-married-couple-like bickering goes on for several minutes within MR MUTT, revolving around the internet, pen lids and facial expressions. it is eventually resolved. all is well.]

Can I tell you something that I’m really angry about right now?

Go ahead.

That Lady Gaga has become the benchmark for anything strange.

Tell the story.

It’s not very interesting. I was just at a casting today and some lady said that one of my photos looked like Lady Gaga, because I had a short blonde wig on. Um… I really hope that I look nothing like Lady Gaga to be perfectly honest. And I don’t think that I do.

Do you like Lady Gaga? I feel like she kind of divides the population.

I find her interesting. My opinions about her are too mixed. I hate that she’s claiming to be all new and exciting just because she’s doing something different, when actually people that have been doing different things, and far more awesomely, have been doing it for such a long time. And I hate that she’s claiming to be so out there and like, “Woah, Oh my God.” But her songs are so boring.

I know! Plus she’s got a whole team of marketers.

Exactly! It’s not even her.

She doesn’t even dress herself, and that’s what she’s most famous for.

Exactly. I’ve been told on several occasions that I look like Lady Gaga.

What? You don’t have the nose.

Well the other day I did geisha lips, which is the most minor of facepaint looks that I’ve ever done in my life. And some of my friends said I looked like Lady Gaga, and I’m like, “Why has that become the benchmark?”

Pretty sure geisha lips have been around long before Lady Gaga. That’s how they got their name. Shockingly enough.

Randomly… Off white, clinical white or cream?

Clinical white.

Why?

Well I don’t really like cream that much because it’s close to beige and beige is so boring. And off white… there’s so many different shades of off white. And clinical white…

It’s a definite thing.

Yeah… I don’t really know how to justify it. It just feels right. Like, Shu Uemura, you know how their packaging is really clinical? I really like that. It seems scientific.

Final question… What’s your favourite… strangest thing that you like to do in bed?

Um… I don’t know…

Not good enough.

I feel like I should come up with something really interesting to tell you.

Or you could just tell us a kinky story.

Aaaagh. I feel like I’m going to blush.

You’re the least embarrassed person I know.

I know, but it’s just… different when I’m being recorded.

Can you make up a fantasy story? On the spot.

I can tell you about my dream the other day. Alright, so I was having a sex dream about [anonymous female], and I got pregnant. I almost orgasmed in the dream, but not quite.

Have you ever orgasmed in a dream?

Yeah, from time to time. It’s the most amazing thing in the world. When I wake up it’s just incredible.

Do you wake up when it happens?

Yeah.

Are you touching yourself when you wake up?

Well I haven’t, in my experience. But I’ve got some friends who have been touching themselves when they’ve woken up. But no, I don’t think I am. Do you wake up touching yourself?

No. And then I smell my hands and they don’t smell like I’ve been touching myself…

Any final comments?

No. I’ve gotten a bit shy now.

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