“is that one of pamela anderson’s husbands?” “no. the other one.” “jones.”

Part I

Would you want to do something else outside of that, to give yourself a break?

I think that I want to work in a bar for a bit, and just like, slowly do it.

Do you have your license?

Yeah, I’ve got my RSA.

In Hurstville?

Anywhere. Well yeah, I’d like to do it in the city. I can see a lot more things than my area. My area is just so… Hopefully I’ll move soon.

Have you been to that Asian restaurant though? I went there once and we got the coconut water, with these big, huge coconut chunks in it.

Miss Saigon? Yeah I love that place.

So good…

There’s a really good noodle place there as well now. Which I always go to.

Have you seen the cat lately?

No.

Apparently they tried to transfer it to his parents house and um…

Freaked out?

Did a poo on the doona. So they had to move it back to Gallipolli st.
How’s your cat? I saw a picture of it…

It’s twenty years old.

Twenty?

Yeah. My cat’s twenty years old. I got it when I was three, and that was when I first moved to Sydney. So… Well actually it’s more than twenty.

How did you get it?

My dad worked at this factory, and it was stealing lunches from the factory. And it was covered in grease. And my mum really wanted a black cat, and so my dad thought that it was black. They were going to put it in a plastic bag and throw it in a river, so my dad says, “No, well I’ll take it home.” Took it home, and they washed it, and it turns out it was black and white.

It was just so oily?

Yeah.

What’s her name?

Lucy.

It’s a girl, yeah.

It’s a bitch of a cat. Like it’s… you can see that it’s had a very feral upbringing. But it wasn’t even a kitten when my dad found it either, so it’s really, really old.

Is she still a feisty little minx?

She’s slowly deteriorating. Still a bitch. Like, out of nowhere. You’ll pat her and she’ll just bite the shit out of you. She still whacks at you when you walk past or if she’s hungry.

Has she had any kittens or did you get her spayed?

Nah. Got her desexed. But we keep her inside a lot, because we figure the more we keep her outside the more she’ll deteriorate.

And since she’s lasted so long she must be a bit of a neighbourhood legend.

Yeah. Mum wanted to put her down, but dad said no.

Well cats are normally really self sufficient, and then when they’re about to die they’ll go away into the wilderness to die.

I think it’s… mentally it’s still alive, but physically it’s slowly deteriorating. Like, it’s not that quick to jump on a couch. You look at it, it’s actually put a lot of weight on now, ’cause my dad keeps giving it chocolate.

Is that bad?
I thought it was bad for dogs.

It’s bad for both of them.

Well it’s bad for everyone…

You know those chocolate pods? It eats them whole. Like, swallows it. The whole thing. Just oomph.

Doesn’t chew?

She’s got a bad problem with eating food, then harassing us an hour later, so we give her more food. Then she gobbles that down and vomits it back up. That’s old age.

Was she eating plants or anything? Like, you know when cats are sick?
Oh, they eat grass…
To make themselves vomit…
That’s a bit bulimic…

Hmm… Maybe… She used to eat rats and lizards and stuff.

Did she bring you “gifts”?

She’s brought us rats. She brought a pigeon in once.

That freaks me out. Elroy did that to me once.
Elroy is a beautiful specimen.

She used to eat the whole rat, and leave the head on the back doorstep.

It means loyalty. It’s a big sign from a cat. Because cats, you know, can be very easily swayed.

She was very stupid. When I was around sixteen. She used to headbutt the door, and took the paint off the backdoor and left it on her nose.

Was she pretty strong-willed?

Yeah. She’s tough.

She sounds amazing. Sounds like my kind of woman.

She’s crazy. I want a black cat, but.

Would you get another one if…

Yeah, I would. But I don’t know if my dad would.

Why? Was he pretty attached to her?

He was pretty attached to my dog when it died too. My dog died on my birthday.

How old were you?

I was in high school. I was in year eight. I had to do a speech about it, which was so stupid.

Were you traumatised?

Nah. I was like, fifteen. Fence is pretty easy to get out… Deathwish

Well how’d he die?

He walked… or… dogged or galloped or whatever… three, four blocks, out to the street… got hit by a truck. And the truck driver knew my dad. So he called him.

[barista: flat white?]

Yep. What did you order?

Sandwich.

Has [friend] told you the cat story?

No?

Ugh! We do not need to hear the cat story!
[cat story omitted due to horrificness]

Part II

How do you feel about what you do?

Um… Pretty… Um… I dunno actually. Well right now I’m not really doing anything.

What did you study?

Uh… Graphic design. And… I enjoy it a lot. It’s fun.

Did you want to work for a particular studio or company or artist before you left uni?

Uh… No… I was really just looking for experience. Just take what I can get.

Have you interned anywhere?

No but I’ve done work experience before.

When did you finish?

I finished… Last year.

Do you have a fantasy job?

Yes.

What is it?

Um… I dunno… I’m too young to think of anything really.

Just a dream job. The first thing that comes into your head.

These are tough questions.

Like working in a porn store.

Yeah, that’d be good. Porn star would be good as well. Well, for a week. Just to see what it’d be like.

What would your porn name be?

I dunno…

Isn’t it like… your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on?

Smith Matilda.

Would you be a woman or a man?

In my porn star life, I’d definitely be a man.

In your ideal setting for your first shoot, would you be an office worker, a milkmaid or a pizza delivery guy?

Office worker sounds alright.

Why is that so appealing?

Because pizza delivery guy and milkman…

Milkmaid.
Oh right. I forgot he chose to be a man…

Yeah, well those ones just seem really cliched.

Right, because porn is so creative and original…

Yeah, well I’d aim for that creative and original market.

Ah, so you’d have an entire new genre created for you.

Oh yeah. I’m making for the upper class sort of people.

This isn’t porn for you and I.
Well if you could go to the playboy mansion, would you?

Yeah. I guess. Who wouldn’t?

And would you go as Smith Matilda?

I’d have to.

Would you have a moustache?

Yes.

Can you grow a moustache?

No. Not right now I can’t. I’ve got this massive gap here. It’s like… snail end trails.

Would you try to get with Hugh’s best girl?

Who’s Hugh’s best girl?

I don’t know any more. I only knew of Holly and Kendra but they’re gone now.

They’re ok… But they’re really blonde. I’m not really a fan of blonde girls. Not… not to stereotype.

You like the raven beauties.

I just think I’ve seen a lot more attractive brunettes than blondes.

You’re just chatting us up now.

Oh come on. Come on.

I got dared to chat you up.

Who by?

[friend]

[friend]’s an arse. Fucking [friend]. What a bum.

Interviewing is my way of chatting up. Also you just missed my amazing chat up look.
She’s amazing, this one.
Where can you see yourself in ten years time?

Um… Somewhere overseas. Working.

Is there anywhere that you’re desperate to travel to?

Japan and Scotland.

You’re going on your first trip overseas in a couple of weeks aren’t you?
Where are you going?

Malaysia, Singapore.

Who are you going with?

My girlfriend.

She’s travelled before no?

She’s been to Singapore.

Beware of the airport there. It’s full of orchids. It’s like a little greenhouse.
Why is that a beware?
Just… in case… you don’t like orchids.
Aren’t orchids really sexual?
Yeah I was just about to say that. They look like vaginas.
DON’T BE TRICKED. THEY’RE FLOWERS. BEWARE.

Ok. I won’t get my penis out.

Where are you staying? Hotels? Hostels?

Hotels. You can’t stay at hostels with your girlfriend.

Oh, tell [friend] that. [long tangent about book of sexual short stories, one of which involves paintings of orchid vaginas.]
Do you have a favourite book?

No, I don’t read much.

Well you should read this one. You would love it. It will help you on the road to porn stardom.

I’m not a reader.

How do you entertain yourself?

Doing things. Even though I do spend a lot of time on my bum. Doing nothing. I like to be more out there. Do a lot more. Keeping up with my routine. I think in my line of career that’s what you really have to do to be successful. You’ve really got to be out there.

Are you working anywhere right now?

No. I’m surviving off gambling.

Really?

Really. My dad gives me one hundred dollars whenever I ask. Which is really mean to say, like, “Dad, give me money.” But he does, so I’ll get that and go up to the pub or RSL and gamble on the Pokies machines. And if I double my money, then that’s my limit. Then I’ll keep going and if I go back down to double my money, I’ll leave. But about a week ago I won eight hundred dollars. Made that last till… today.

Is there a method?

My method would be… Always have a positive mind. Thinking negatively when you’re there is not going to make you win. I’ve been there a lot of times and just felt like shit and kept spinning and spinning and spinning and um… yeah. I usually just stick to one machine.

Do you jump on one that someone’s already warmed up?

Yeah I’ll usually do that. Everyone’s supposed to do that. I used to just wait till someone would leave then grab their machine.

Oh, you’re one of those. Just breathing over their shoulder till they get intimidated then you pounce.

No. No no no. I’ll just do a few laps. Come back, be like, “Oh you’re still playing, alright,” move on. But the best feeling is the first time you win. After that you’re like… the feeling’s just not the same.

What’s how you become an addict. Because you’re always searching for that first high. Chasing the dragon, man.

Unless you get more than what you’ve won in the past. I won four grand once. Jumping between pubs.

Do you have hot spots?

I think… The less pokies in a pub the better. There’s more people playing them. You go somewhere like Star City and you’ve got no hope. There’s so many machines. You don’t know who’s playing them. It’s like pot luck. There’s some machines that pay out a lot. And then there are people that have theories like, if you win once you’ll win for two more spins and that’s it.

Anything else? Do you play cards? Horses? Greyhounds?

Nah. Not big on that. I’m currently into roulette. The electronic one. My friends have watches a series on that. They’ve got theories. Like, if it lands on a five it’s going to be multiples of five. Apparently they think it works. And with all the odds, these theories, they’re so far fetched, but quite often they work. Like, where the ball lands… It’s going to land somewhere near that the next round. And if it lands on one side of the wheel it’s going to be one of these three following numbers. And they know everything, so when they play they follow this series, so they’ve got all their bases covered. But they don’t win that much in the end. Haha.

Do you like to drink?

Yep.

What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage

Rum.

Straight or mixed?

Mixed.

Rum and coke?

Is that bad?

No. Not at all. I judge no one.
Favourite label?

Bundaberg. Don’t like Bacardi that much. So awkward that this is an interview. I liked the fact that we were just having a conversation. Now it’s like… really…

Do you smoke?

Yep.

What do you smoke?

I’ve been buying these for years. Dunhill Blues.

When did you start?

When I was… seventeen.

Do you think you’ll ever quit?

I’d like to think I’ll quit.

Are you worried-

About not quitting? Yes.

Because of the health risks?

The health risks never really affect me… It’s just the fact that I’ll never quit.

How’s your sandwich? One to ten.

Eight.

Do you have any party tricks?

No.

Boring. Could you make something up?

I can make this weird noise with my tongue. [makes noise]

Wow. So you do.

I invented that one in high school. Just kept doing it.

Can you do a loop with your tongue?

No.

If you could model one part of your body what would it be?

My legs.

Why your legs?

I’ve been told they’re my best feature. But from guys. Not girls.

Do you shave your legs?

No. I once got in lots of trouble for shaving my [crotch] off my girlfriend.

Why did you do that?

‘Cause it’s funny. ‘Cause I was just bored one day. ‘Cause thought I’d give it a go. She was not pleased.

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